restoration

This morning I was singing about God turning my mourning into dancing, and was completely overwhelmed. Here's the background:

About 4 years ago, when my family was going through some severe upheaval and destruction, I listened daily to an album by Glad that had a song that really spoke my heart. The song was "O God, My God" and here are the lyrics:

O God, My God, I seek Your face
You'll always be my resting place
My body's weak and my soul is dry
Your love alone can satisfy my heart
And fill me with delight
O God, My God, You are my life

I have seen You in the quiet times
with no one else around
Your power and Your glory overwhelm me
And no matter what tomorrow holds
My praise will know no bounds
For Your presence will be there again to help me
---------

I would just mourn and cry out to the Lord (literally crying) daily. I was seeking God's heart and will and direction, and believing that my siblings were doing the same, and yet we were arriving at such different positions; positions that made interaction, if any, at the best awkward and at the worst very painful. The only thing I could come back to, my only rock, was my Savior. I learned how much security I had been relying on in my physical family, and in their love and acceptance of me and each other. When that was gone (or at least felt like it was gone) I really had to learn to trust the loving heart of God. "And no matter what tomorrow holds" - that line of the song would leave me bawling. If my brothers never talked to each other again, would I and could I still give praise without bounds? If my husband decided that I should not speak to or see my dad, would my praise know no bounds? I prayed for restoration in my family, but it didn't look like it would happen.

So, as I would mourn and listen to this song, sometimes I would not stop the cd in time and it would go on to a song "He's turned my mourning into dancing again." "Where there once was only hurt He gave His healing hand..." and I would wrestle with irritation and unbelief; (irritation at how happy those guys sounded, and unbelief that it would happen for us.) I knew God wanted to grow my faith and strengthen my dependence on Him alone because He was doing that really unambiguously, but it certainly wasn't a season of unrestrained joy.

Fast forward 4 years, and Roy and I are planning an extended trip to visit my family. We're anticipating at least a day or two with all of us together. I haven't heard my Glad cd in quite a while, and haven't thought about the "Mourning into Dancing" song until I walked into a room full of people singing it to the Lord this morning. Immediately I was overcome with joy and conviction; I need to praise the Lord!! I need to remember His faithfulness. I need to meditate on His goodness.

In the meantime I have learned that my reliance and my peace are in God, not in my physical family; in a beautiful and ironic way, though, I think it makes our restored relationships that much sweeter. They are a blessing and a privilege, not to be taken for granted.

Cheafal Anne

Have you ever been rebuked by a child? I have. Sometimes by my own, with things like a soft little hand caressing my cheek while I'm deep in thought or reading, or a quivering lip bravely bitten when I've reacted harshly. Here's a rebuke that recently came to me from my good friend Laura's 9 year old daughter.

"Anne! Anne! Cheaful Anne! An Anne hwo is cheaful!
Anne has a lot of cheaful days for she is cheafal.
Cheafal days and Trusty day and day about loving.
Anne! Anne! Cheafal Anne! So so so so so so cheaful!

~Bobbi"

Now, she certainly didn't mean this as a rebuke. She was ecstatic that we had finally come to visit after a year of not being together, and had prepared this note in anticipation. A YEAR. Once a year! That's who can write such a note about me: a little girl who sees me once a year. Roy got a good laugh out of it, but it has continued to haunt me all week.... the fact that my own loving husband or my own precious children could not honestly or truthfully write that about me.

1 Thess 5:16-18 Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Psalm 139:23 & 24

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; 24 And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting. (NKJV)

I've been thinking a bit on and in this Psalm, and recently was reading it in the New Living Translation, where verse 24 reads, "Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life." As I was reading, something clicked. Something that I'm sure has been there all along (I've checked in all my old Bibles, and it is) but I had completely missed.

All my life, I've read and applied those two verses as a challenge to God. My paraphrase would have read "I'm so confident in my righteousness that God, I'm even opening myself up to YOUR inspection! YOU know that my mistakes have been accidents or, better yet, others' misunderstandings. I challenge you to try to find any wickedness in my heart, and then, just help me keep on keeping on." No, I would never have stated it that way; not when I was thinking that way! But I really felt like God, upon examining me, would be my vindicator. And I do believe that in many situations, He is: He IS the one who understands when my heart's intent is pure, but misread; but He is also the one who sees my heart's intent much clearer than I do, and many, many times it is not as pure as I would make myself believe.

What clicked for me recently was the thought that I am not challenging God to find my sin; He has already seen it. (In fact, He saw it as pretty dire and death as being the only solution.) And if God is seeing it that way, am I? Have I honestly faced sin in my past? And what about now? Am I only willing to see today's sin tomorrow or next week, once I have a buffer of time to cushion my conscience and make it not quite so embarrassing to bring to the Lord? ("Um, God, I need to ask your forgiveness for ____ last week. I mean, I've totally moved on and cleaned it out of my heart (?!) but still forgive me, please.") Hmm. BIG problems. First, trying to be the one to find what areas of my life and heart need to be changed; second, trying to change myself before I go to the Lord; and third, having too much pride to throw myself at His mercy right when I need it.

A simultaneous other click was that I need to learn about inviting the Lord to share with me what He knows about me. I need to learn about submitting myself to His inspection, not because I'm confident that I'll pass, but because I'm confident that I fall so short I don't even know all the ways I fall short! HE is the one to reveal my sins to me; I don't need to scurry frantically through my heart trying to find it, as when I was a child cleaning my room before mom came to inspect!

Now I'm learning the importance of the final phrase, too: "lead me in the way everlasting". There are many ways to understand this, and there are even several ways to translate it, but right now, God has reminded me that there is one Way everlasting, and I desperately need Him! My previous understanding, that this meant "just help me keep doing what I do", or even "help me walk the narrow path of self-denial" is humanistic and proud, missing the point that the only way there IS a way everlasting for me is because God died for me. "God, the path You have for me is based solely on Your blood and Your righteousness - not on me or any of my abilities."

kids are awake...dinner is not made...

caramelized onions

That title was just the first one that came to mind... I cooked 'em a few days ago, and the thought of them lingers. Maybe the smell too. But that something so pungent and crisp and bitter can become so soft and sweet and delicious with just a little time and some heat is an encouraging thought to me.

It's been so long since I've blogged any thoughts that my backlog is completely jammed and jumbled. One at a time, Anne; one at a time. I'm going to try to get out one coherent (if small) blog per week this year. Being that today is the 6th, it appears that this will be a rough go.

This year as I read my Bible I'm praying that God will remove my preconceived ideas about Him, and just daily reveal Himself to me in ways that keep me on my knees and in awe of Him and more dependent on Him. I've been too good at reading my beliefs into what's written. When stumped by a passage that doesn't conform to my image of who God should be, I find creative ways to skirt it or rephrase it; and that is so disgusting to me. My desire is to be conformed to His image, not Him to mine... but how often I do the latter!

This morning I was reading in Genesis 32, and at verse 10 my heart cried with Jacob, " I am not worthy of the least of all the mercies and of all the truth which You have shown Your servant." And what an awesome story, of trusting and obeying even with plenty of fear. I love the interaction God has recorded for us; Jacob reminding God (and maybe himself, too?!) that it was God who sent him; it was God who was leading; and it was God who knew the end from the beginning. Meanwhile, Jacob had plenty of reservation, but followed. He believed. I love this.

And, my sweet husband is asleep on the sofa; so that's it for tonight.