This morning I was singing about God turning my mourning into dancing, and was completely overwhelmed. Here's the background:
About 4 years ago, when my family was going through some severe upheaval and destruction, I listened daily to an album by Glad that had a song that really spoke my heart. The song was "O God, My God" and here are the lyrics:
O God, My God, I seek Your face
You'll always be my resting place
My body's weak and my soul is dry
Your love alone can satisfy my heart
And fill me with delight
O God, My God, You are my life
I have seen You in the quiet times
with no one else around
Your power and Your glory overwhelm me
And no matter what tomorrow holds
My praise will know no bounds
For Your presence will be there again to help me
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I would just mourn and cry out to the Lord (literally crying) daily. I was seeking God's heart and will and direction, and believing that my siblings were doing the same, and yet we were arriving at such different positions; positions that made interaction, if any, at the best awkward and at the worst very painful. The only thing I could come back to, my only rock, was my Savior. I learned how much security I had been relying on in my physical family, and in their love and acceptance of me and each other. When that was gone (or at least felt like it was gone) I really had to learn to trust the loving heart of God. "And no matter what tomorrow holds" - that line of the song would leave me bawling. If my brothers never talked to each other again, would I and could I still give praise without bounds? If my husband decided that I should not speak to or see my dad, would my praise know no bounds? I prayed for restoration in my family, but it didn't look like it would happen.
So, as I would mourn and listen to this song, sometimes I would not stop the cd in time and it would go on to a song "He's turned my mourning into dancing again." "Where there once was only hurt He gave His healing hand..." and I would wrestle with irritation and unbelief; (irritation at how happy those guys sounded, and unbelief that it would happen for us.) I knew God wanted to grow my faith and strengthen my dependence on Him alone because He was doing that really unambiguously, but it certainly wasn't a season of unrestrained joy.
Fast forward 4 years, and Roy and I are planning an extended trip to visit my family. We're anticipating at least a day or two with all of us together. I haven't heard my Glad cd in quite a while, and haven't thought about the "Mourning into Dancing" song until I walked into a room full of people singing it to the Lord this morning. Immediately I was overcome with joy and conviction; I need to praise the Lord!! I need to remember His faithfulness. I need to meditate on His goodness.
In the meantime I have learned that my reliance and my peace are in God, not in my physical family; in a beautiful and ironic way, though, I think it makes our restored relationships that much sweeter. They are a blessing and a privilege, not to be taken for granted.
