Cheafal Anne

Have you ever been rebuked by a child? I have. Sometimes by my own, with things like a soft little hand caressing my cheek while I'm deep in thought or reading, or a quivering lip bravely bitten when I've reacted harshly. Here's a rebuke that recently came to me from my good friend Laura's 9 year old daughter.

"Anne! Anne! Cheaful Anne! An Anne hwo is cheaful!
Anne has a lot of cheaful days for she is cheafal.
Cheafal days and Trusty day and day about loving.
Anne! Anne! Cheafal Anne! So so so so so so cheaful!

~Bobbi"

Now, she certainly didn't mean this as a rebuke. She was ecstatic that we had finally come to visit after a year of not being together, and had prepared this note in anticipation. A YEAR. Once a year! That's who can write such a note about me: a little girl who sees me once a year. Roy got a good laugh out of it, but it has continued to haunt me all week.... the fact that my own loving husband or my own precious children could not honestly or truthfully write that about me.

1 Thess 5:16-18 Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Psalm 139:23 & 24

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; 24 And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting. (NKJV)

I've been thinking a bit on and in this Psalm, and recently was reading it in the New Living Translation, where verse 24 reads, "Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life." As I was reading, something clicked. Something that I'm sure has been there all along (I've checked in all my old Bibles, and it is) but I had completely missed.

All my life, I've read and applied those two verses as a challenge to God. My paraphrase would have read "I'm so confident in my righteousness that God, I'm even opening myself up to YOUR inspection! YOU know that my mistakes have been accidents or, better yet, others' misunderstandings. I challenge you to try to find any wickedness in my heart, and then, just help me keep on keeping on." No, I would never have stated it that way; not when I was thinking that way! But I really felt like God, upon examining me, would be my vindicator. And I do believe that in many situations, He is: He IS the one who understands when my heart's intent is pure, but misread; but He is also the one who sees my heart's intent much clearer than I do, and many, many times it is not as pure as I would make myself believe.

What clicked for me recently was the thought that I am not challenging God to find my sin; He has already seen it. (In fact, He saw it as pretty dire and death as being the only solution.) And if God is seeing it that way, am I? Have I honestly faced sin in my past? And what about now? Am I only willing to see today's sin tomorrow or next week, once I have a buffer of time to cushion my conscience and make it not quite so embarrassing to bring to the Lord? ("Um, God, I need to ask your forgiveness for ____ last week. I mean, I've totally moved on and cleaned it out of my heart (?!) but still forgive me, please.") Hmm. BIG problems. First, trying to be the one to find what areas of my life and heart need to be changed; second, trying to change myself before I go to the Lord; and third, having too much pride to throw myself at His mercy right when I need it.

A simultaneous other click was that I need to learn about inviting the Lord to share with me what He knows about me. I need to learn about submitting myself to His inspection, not because I'm confident that I'll pass, but because I'm confident that I fall so short I don't even know all the ways I fall short! HE is the one to reveal my sins to me; I don't need to scurry frantically through my heart trying to find it, as when I was a child cleaning my room before mom came to inspect!

Now I'm learning the importance of the final phrase, too: "lead me in the way everlasting". There are many ways to understand this, and there are even several ways to translate it, but right now, God has reminded me that there is one Way everlasting, and I desperately need Him! My previous understanding, that this meant "just help me keep doing what I do", or even "help me walk the narrow path of self-denial" is humanistic and proud, missing the point that the only way there IS a way everlasting for me is because God died for me. "God, the path You have for me is based solely on Your blood and Your righteousness - not on me or any of my abilities."

kids are awake...dinner is not made...

caramelized onions

That title was just the first one that came to mind... I cooked 'em a few days ago, and the thought of them lingers. Maybe the smell too. But that something so pungent and crisp and bitter can become so soft and sweet and delicious with just a little time and some heat is an encouraging thought to me.

It's been so long since I've blogged any thoughts that my backlog is completely jammed and jumbled. One at a time, Anne; one at a time. I'm going to try to get out one coherent (if small) blog per week this year. Being that today is the 6th, it appears that this will be a rough go.

This year as I read my Bible I'm praying that God will remove my preconceived ideas about Him, and just daily reveal Himself to me in ways that keep me on my knees and in awe of Him and more dependent on Him. I've been too good at reading my beliefs into what's written. When stumped by a passage that doesn't conform to my image of who God should be, I find creative ways to skirt it or rephrase it; and that is so disgusting to me. My desire is to be conformed to His image, not Him to mine... but how often I do the latter!

This morning I was reading in Genesis 32, and at verse 10 my heart cried with Jacob, " I am not worthy of the least of all the mercies and of all the truth which You have shown Your servant." And what an awesome story, of trusting and obeying even with plenty of fear. I love the interaction God has recorded for us; Jacob reminding God (and maybe himself, too?!) that it was God who sent him; it was God who was leading; and it was God who knew the end from the beginning. Meanwhile, Jacob had plenty of reservation, but followed. He believed. I love this.

And, my sweet husband is asleep on the sofa; so that's it for tonight.

Old list

I just found an old list in a notebook from 2007 (I think). Being that I still need these reminders to myself, I've decided to post them. I think I compiled it in one of those "agh! What am I doing with my life! moments", to remind myself what my purposes are.

-Love God - Fear Him - Learn more about Him and what He wants in me

- every day take time to meditate and pray and read - ask God to lead me, have a time just to talk and listen to Him

- speak respectfully to Roy

-train Adriel (Katie too!)
1. obey the 1st time : be consistent in enforcing
2. have a grateful attitude (example)
3. read often to him

- keep the house clean, an atmosphere conducive to peace and health

-keep my heart clean, peaceful, obedient to God and Roy

-yoga at least twice/week

-run 5 days/week

-write on a regular basis (at least once/week)

-play my violin every day, push myself to develop technique
- show Adriel how - teach him bit by bit

- get up, start day with Roy
- to bed by 10:00

May the wind be at your back...

When I stepped outside for my run, I thought "ahh- the perfect day" (And truly, it was; I'll put in a plug for CA: 1/12/09, 73F, clear dark blue sky, bright sun.) But on to the moral...

I walked about a 1/4 mile, enjoying the day. Then I started running, still enjoying the day. I ran for about 10 minutes in one direction before a 90 degree turn. It was funny how right at that turn the wind picked up significantly. And another little turn brought even more wind. Of course at that time I realized the wind hadn't just picked up, but rather I only noticed it when it wasn't helping me. Made me realize (again) how easy it is to take things for granted when they're advantageous and get really perturbed when they're not!

It gave me a good opportunity to practice living right in the moment, vertically. Doing the best I can do in the exact circumstances I'm in right now, not comparing to past performance or future ideals.... I kept wanting to just give up and walk because it was so hard and slow pushing my big stroller against the wind. But why? Who said I had to be fast? Who said if you can't be fast, just give up? When people used to tell me "this will build character" I would reply with my brother's line "my character already has four walls and a roof"; but I'm seeing that really I'm still doing the excavation! (For the curious, I did stop and catch my breath and stretch, but then continued on slowly toward my finish, thinking of building character, not of how slowly I was running.)

Then, last night as I was getting ready for bed, I overheard Roy reading to Adriel from "A Young Person's Guide to Philosophy". And I quote: "St. Augustine said that time began for us when God created the world. This posed the question of God's existence before time. Augustine's answer was that God dwelt in an eternal present, outside earthly time. This led Augustine to the theory that "now" is all that really exists. The past is a present memory, and the future is a present expectation. This view allowed Augustine to stress the importance of what people are doing for God, not what they will do." End of quote and rather apropos, I thought.

P.S. Remembering Micah 6:8 though, I will have to add my slant to good old St. Augustine, and remind myself that all that I do for God is because I love Him so much for being The One who loves me when I don't or can't do anything! Thus, my life is for Him, not because He needs me, but because I need Him. I believe Augustine's stress was on "living presently", not "pleasing God through our works", but I felt it needed clarification, especially following Micah 6:8.

Micah 6:8

"He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you, but to do justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God?"

I've thought about this verse from the prophet Micah a bit; I'm always one to like a clear instruction, especially one relating to how to please God. Good with lists: that's me. There's something so self-satisfying in being able to check off the good things I've done. The problem is that self satisfaction is an oxymoron; at its best it's fleeting; at its worst it's a merciless treadmill of trying to create and do more and more things that make me feel like I'm good.

When I look at what Micah actually SAYS though, it's exactly the opposite of trying to please God through my own goodness. Check out this preceding passage:
With what shall I come before the LORD
and bow down before the exalted God?
Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,
with calves a year old?

Will the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams,
with ten thousand rivers of oil?
Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression,
the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?

I hear Micah saying that it's not about all the sacrifices I can make; it's about throwing myself at God's mercy, and loving Him for it: realizing and living out that mercy trumps everything else, especially in things like judgement and justification of myself. To know that I just don't (and can't) quite cut it, but God loves me anyway... That is satisfaction!

Woga

Roy and I enjoy practicing yoga together; these days, Adriel doesn't like to be left out of the action. He was hogging my mat so much that I decided to stop and take a photo. He calls it "woga".